Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I’m being followed.

{This may sound like a gross overstatement and ridiculous to people reading it, but this is my blog & my place to write my life, so if you don’t feel up to reading a bit of a emotion purge, just skip today’s post.}

Ever felt like someone was following you? Terrible, awful feeling.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like someone’s following me – namely the Devil. {I realize this sounds crazy.} I’ve felt like this once before. It was right before and during the time when I was laid-off from my previous job. In one week I had a series of experiences {such as a $200 speeding ticket & losing my job in 24 hours} that just plain sucked. I was being tested so hard & I really wished I could just throw in the towel. I will never forget driving in my car, pulling into a parking spot at my office a day or two before I lost my job with a Christian song playing. I vividly remember starting to cry, tears of anger, desperation, heartbrokenness, and a feeling of being broken & helpless. I don’t know why, but I just suddenly & loudly yelled out {sitting alone in my car} “Devil, leave me alone! I will not let you win! Get out of my life, get out of my car, get out of my face, and leave me alone!” I felt that he was so evidently working to beat me up that I even felt the need to tell him off!

Well, all that to say that I’ve had the terrible, awful feeling that he’s following me again, and I’ve had enough. Eugene & I have failed to catch a break for quite sometime. It’s a combo of a serious suffering experience, things breaking, unexpected costs, and everything requiring us to do things the hard way. For instance, see these guys…


That’s over two grand forked over to the government. It’s not our money, I know that. But it still sucks. We’ve spent over $10,000 in the last couple of weeks. All things that are necessary – a roof, taxes, ceiling repairs, utilities, life insurance, etc, but sheesh that’s a heck of a lot of money for a few days worth of time! {Praise the Lord that we have a big savings stocked up.}

And allow me to introduce you to the straw that broke this camel’s back…

image source                                                                                                                                  image source

Late last night there were six, yes SIX, spiders in our house. It’s like the Devil’s spawning them in our bathroom or something. Anyhow, I was standing on our bed killing four of the six disgusting spiders before going to sleep when I accidently stepped on our {less than a year old} laptop which was laying on the bed playing music for us. Totally cracked the screen.


Poor Eugene lost a lot of his lesson plans, school work, and baseball details thanks to my mishap. I felt/still feel just awful about it. Seriously, Devil?! Are you done with us yet? I’m tired of the testing. I know I have a blessed, sheltered life. I know I have hope in Christ, cars, house, dog, husband, savings, food, heat, family, friends – so much more than I will ever need. I know my life is great {thank you, God.} Despite knowing all that, I feel like the Devil is following me around & won’t let up, and I’m beyond tired of it. I’d like something to not go wrong, please. Something to be easy for us, please.

Like I said in the first line of this post, I realize this sounds like & probably is an overstatement, and I know I have it way better than so many people, so I hope you won’t hate me for this. It’s my blog & I use it for journaling purposes and to record my life, so these are my feelings today. I apologize to be all Debbie Downer on ya, but I needed to write this. I’m sure tomorrow will be happier. I’ll find my wondrous thing and something great will be on the horizon. I know that “this too shall pass,” but today I’m just trying to push through my breaking point.

A devotional I read this morning is helping:

Perhaps you have been waiting a long time. Maybe you are feeling hopeless that your prayers will ever be answered. Or perhaps you are losing faith that He even hears.

I’ve been there, too. There have been times when I looked into tomorrow and saw blackness as dark as the feathers of a raven. Days when I read a verse like Psalm 147:9, and thought to myself, “Yeah, right. He might answer that bird, but He isn’t answering me.”

And in those times I’ve wondered what I needed to do to get God’s attention. In John 6:28-29 the people ask Jesus what they must do to do the works God requires. They want to please God and they know Jesus holds the key as to how they can do just that. As they wait anxiously for His answer, I imagine they are expecting a laundry list of possibilities, bullet points they can jot down and refer to later.

Instead Jesus tells them that the work of God is simply to believe in the One He has sent. Jesus knew that believing is work. It is heart work. To believe in Jesus even when He seems far away or unresponsive is some of the hardest work we will have to do as we follow Him. But that is all what He asks us to do.

God doesn’t respond based on who we are or what we have to offer. He responds because we are His, plain and simple. He responds because it is in His nature to provide. {see Psalm 147:9 & Psalm 145:16}

And because all those other images in this post are u.g.l.y, here’s a happier picture to end with… :)

I saw this canvas this weekend at a Marshall’s store:


I liked the concept, but I thought I could make it on my own version for a future gallery wall without shelling out the $16 bucks. Here’s my version on one of my pictures with a bit different wording just cause I wanted to…


Today, I’m feeling the ENJOY MORE want less line. :)

So, Devil, I don’t know if you read my blog, but I’d love for you to stop following me, and just leave me a lone. But even if you don’t, I know that God is good. No matter what, God is good. {I win.}

P.S. I’ll get back to the lighter & more enjoyable topic of countertops tomorrow. Pinky promise.



  1. Oh... I am so sorry...
    sucks about the computer... AGH!!!!
    Close to the same thing happened to me... (How did we ever live without those things??)
    My husband, the eternal optomist said.. (& always says :) "It is only money, we can make more on Monday"
    So... off to Best Buy we went & I was able to get a new one, a shelf model, for much less than I thought. And a much better computer... just plain sucks to have to spend the money...
    Praying for you today... Satan...LEAVE her alone!!!

  2. Aw, Kathy. Such kind words. :) Thank you for the prayers, they are so appreciated!

  3. We'll keep praying here. I so feel you. Brad always reminds me that sometimes God really wants to make sure I get it. It's the times when I've been that uncomfortable that I finally learned (am learning) to truly rest in His arms and His promises. I will be praying for peace and easier days ahead.

  4. Jane - what a beautifully honest post. Thank you for being real - it encouraged me. Today I read in Luke 1:45 "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." It encouraged me to hang on to Jesus and his promises to us - I hope it encourages you.


I love to hear from people reading my blog. If you don't mind, please put your name so I know who you are. :) Thanks so much for sharing!

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